MY WIFE: EPISODE 7

FUNMI: Ebuka! Ebuka!! Wake up!!!

EBUKA: (incoherently) what is it, babe?

FUNMI: I’m going to Lagos and I’m ready. Please drop me off to the park?

EBUKA: so you now wake up and decide to go to your parents’ house without any prior notice? And since when did you start going to Lagos by road? What’s with the recent attitude?

FUNMI: my mum’s blood pressure has been playing up so I’m going to spend the weekend with them. They also want to increase the house rent for tenants so I am the one who does all the maths! Please drop me off I don’t want to be late. I also want give you all the time you need to stare at naked women!

EBUKA: make sure this is what you want to do o! Everything was fine until Nkechi’s friend came. A girl I haven’t even sat down and talk to for a minute except at meal times.

Since she came, Nkechi has changed towards you.

She is more respectful to you, she makes Nkechi do chores; she even washed your clothes yesterday! That is something Nkechi would never have done on her own and you know it!

wait wait! Do you think im going to do what? Sleep with her or marry her, what!

I’m honestly getting fed up of your silly insecurity. You need to do something about it.

Finally, I am unaware of this trip, get a cab!

FUNMI: I should get a cab eh, Ebuka?? I should get a cab! I told you my mum is Ill and I need to go see her and you refused to drop me off to the park abi!!!

Two days ago, you went to the park to pick a girl up even when you were very tired; just because she is Ibo!

If you loved your Ibo women that much, why didn’t you marry one of them! Since she came, all of you now communicate in Ibo leaving me totally in the dark!

Home is no longer what it used to be, and I’ve asked you to pay for a hotel for her since she is only here for a few days, but no!

EBUKA: I have no money to pay for a hotel when I own a mansion. The problem is in your head. You need to detoxify your mind otherwise this marriage is in for a big one

NKECHI: (knocks once on the door and opened almost immediately) what’s the matter, dede? What’s with the Igbo girls this, that and the other? O gini?? (What’s the matter?)

FUNMI: leave my bedroom now! You lack manners!

NKECHI: o si na o gini? (What’s she saying?)

EBUKA: Nkechi, go back to your room, biko.

NKECHI: just wanted to ask you guys to keep the noise down, it’s Saturday and my visitor is asleep!

Abraham had a reason for asking Isaac to get himself a wife from his tribe! Mtchewww! (Walks out)

FUNMI: I’m leaving, I’ll be back on Tuesday!

EBUKA: what about your work?

FUNMI: I took Monday and Tuesday off

EBUKA: do you want me to call Chima to get you into the next available flight? It’s stressful travelling that long by road, especially with the state of the roads!

FUNMI: no?

EBUKA: alright, I’ll drop you to the park. Let me quickly brush my teeth

FUNMI: thanks. Babe, can you please stay at Chima’s house until I’m back please. I’m begging?

EBUKA: haaa! Chai! Chineke!! Funmi you don mad finish, I swear! So you think Chima has anti cheating installed in his house huh?

If I want to do a thing, my location won’t make any difference. Girl, I’m mobile! I’ve got some money. I could go to London and come back between now and Tuesday. Come on!

I’m an Igbo man, we don’t sleep in another man’s house. Just get real!

The girl you are all worried about isn’t even that beautiful! Come on! You know the kind of girls I go for. Besides, she is my little sister’s friend! I see her as a sister!

FUNMI: the way you look at her isn’t the way one looks at a sister!

EBUKA: This conversation is over from my end. Let me take you to the park, biko!

*****

(Funmi got to her family home but the doors were all locked so she started banging and calling out. Adaku heard her from her room and came out to see who it was)

ADAKU: hello, who are you looking for?

FUNMI: hi, where are my parents? Sorry my name is Funmi; I am Mr Bode’s daughter.

ADAKU: oh nice to meet you. I think they have gone to church. They are Seventh Days Adventist members

FUNMI: oh sugar! How could I have forgotten!

ADAKU: it happens to the best of us. Come stay in my room and wait for them. I’m sure they won’t be long

FUNMI: how kind! You must be one of the new tenant because it’s my first time seeing you.

ADAKU: yes, I am. So where do you live? Sorry before I start, I made some chicken stew. Would you like some?

FUNMI: oh yes, please! Can’t say no to anything chicken? I live in Abuja with my husband

ADAKU: Wow! It must be great living with your husband. Some of us are not that lucky

FUNMI: yes, you enjoy that companionship. Doesn’t mean you won’t encounter other problems though.. so are you divorced?

ADAKU: hehehe no dear. My husband recently moved to Canada after we got married. So I live here alone and lonely at the moment

FUNMI: awwww! it must be hard. So any plans of you joining him at all?

ADAKU: of course. I’ve got an interview on Monday with the Canadian Embassy.

FUNMI: oh! All the best with that. Actually I’m gonna give you my number to you tell me all about it. By the way, I am married to an Ibo man. This food is so delicious! Wow! Your hubby is definitely missing out!??

ADAKU: Wow! The best men in the entire world! You are lucky!

FUNMI: Hehehehe! Praising your brothers now aye! But if I’m honest, he has been a great husband but family, especially his little sister is a witch! Pure witch.

ADAKU: I think every family is blessed with one witch. Hahahaha

FUNMI: mine isn’t o! Well, it’s just me, my mum and dad and my adopted brother, Tosin. And I must say we are nice to people.

ADAKU: hehehe. Well, I hope you somehow get on with your sister in law. Shall we see a movie?

FUNMI: Oh my God! I can’t believe we like the same things on a weekend! Finally got myself a bestie!!! Yeeeeee

******

(Ebuka went from the park to the gym. By the time he got home, Nkechi and her friend in bumshorts had cleaned and polished the whole house in such a manner that it sparkled. They had also cooked a sumptuous vegetable soup with loads of goat meat, Ebuka’s favourite thing in the world.

Being very hungry, he bounced on the food joined by the girls, they dismantled it. Ebuka then grabbed his Xbox and got busy, while the girls retired to their room for more “planning”

After about two hours, the girls came out in their bikinis. Oh! And was Ebuka magneted by Amara’s stunning figure!)

NKECHI: dede, I want to use the swimming pool, is that okay?

EBUKA: erm sure! You girls want to swim?

AMARACHI: Nkechi wants to swim, so i am only going to watch her because I can’t swim to save my life

EBUKA: why not! But you are dressed for it. Do you want to learn?

AMARACHI: if I get a trusted tutor, definitely not Nkechi. She is too skinny to rescue me if I was drowning?

NKECHI: I no blame you?

EBUKA: alright, I’ll change and come teach you

AMARACHI: oh how kind! Yeeeee

(The girls got into the pool and before you could say ‘married’ Ebuka was out in his body hugging swimming suit revealing everything that makes a sister vulnerable. I’ll spare you the details)

Ebuka: are you ready?

The girls: yessssss!!!

(Ebuka dived into the pool and helped Amara in. Then the swimming lesson began while Nkechi was swimming on the other end of the pool to leave them enough space for the tutorial.

Don’t ask me, but the lesson involved a lot of body contact and before long, Ebuka’s body started to obviously react to the many contacts. How did I know? It was obvious even without my glasses, I could SEE It all??)

Nkechi: dede, I must go get call card now, I need to call mum. (Jumps out of the pool creating not just more space for the two, but privacy and a conducive atmosphere)

EBUKA: what are you doing???

AMARACHI: I’m sorry..

EBUKA: you don’t have to be. Did you do that on purpose?

AMARACHI:?

EBUKA: are you bold enough to say what you want? Who knows, you might just get it…

AMARACHI: probably not, but are you smart enough to read my body language?

……to be continued