I got up from his bed after about 2 hours. I had finally run out of tears. My leg shook of its own accord as I walked to my bedroom. I felt broken. I should have annulle d our marriage after the whole honeymoon saga but I guess I felt a tiny ray of hope not to talk of the shame of telling the whole world the marriage had crashed. I took off all my cloths and dumped them in my laundry basket sitting on my bathroom floor. I filled my bathtub with water and soaked myself in it. I washed and washed until I could wash no more.
As soon as I came out of the bathroom, a text came into my phone. I walked to my bedside drawer and checked,
As soon as I came out of the bathroom, a text came into my phone. I walked to my bedside drawer and checked,
”Don’t wait up for me. I think we need a break from each other. I’ll be staying with my friend till I feel ready to come back home. Quite unsure about this whole marriage thing.”
I could not believe my eyes. He lied to me, raped me and now left home? What more can a person take from a so called husband? I didn’t even know what reply to send. I ended up just writing,
”Suit yourself.”
There were no words to say and I had let out most of my anger through my tears. I went to bed early that night and for the first time in a long time, I said a little prayer for my marriage.
Two months later, my husband had still not returned home. I had gone through different phases in that time. From anger to worry to fear to anxiety to forgiveness and finally emptiness. He texted me once a week to say hello and he was sorry he had to do this and was making sure I was okay. I never replied any of his messages because to be candid I did not know what to say. I lied to my parents he had been sent to Kenya for a temporary project. I just had to throw them off somehow seeing there was no other way to excuse his absence.
I could not believe my eyes. He lied to me, raped me and now left home? What more can a person take from a so called husband? I didn’t even know what reply to send. I ended up just writing,
”Suit yourself.”
There were no words to say and I had let out most of my anger through my tears. I went to bed early that night and for the first time in a long time, I said a little prayer for my marriage.
Two months later, my husband had still not returned home. I had gone through different phases in that time. From anger to worry to fear to anxiety to forgiveness and finally emptiness. He texted me once a week to say hello and he was sorry he had to do this and was making sure I was okay. I never replied any of his messages because to be candid I did not know what to say. I lied to my parents he had been sent to Kenya for a temporary project. I just had to throw them off somehow seeing there was no other way to excuse his absence.
As I sat in the hospital waiting room one Wednesday waiting for my medical results from the compulsory check-up the office had made us do, one thing that never occurred to me was the possibility of a pregnancy. Until the moment I saw the results, it never crossed my mind. We had sex plenty of times during our honeymoon without protection and nothing happened. This is how life plays a funny joke on you. The moment I never wanted to be reminded of was the one that produced a baby. A lifetime constant reminder. I was pregnant and husbandless. How crazy can my life become. How do I bring a child into this non-existent marriage of mine.
I thought of calling King and telling him but what difference will that make? Will it suddenly make everything okay? Later that night, I decided to have an abortion. It was the best decision and I really did not need any complications right now, not when I was still unsure where my marriage was headed. I called a couple of hospitals I was familiar with. After being turned down by two of them, I got one that was willing to do the procedure. The pregnancy was just 6 weeks old so the risk was not so high. I booked an appointment for Saturday morning and I lost myself in work the remainder of the week.
Just as I was getting ready to head out on Saturday morning, I heard a knock on the door. I hardly had visitors because I was basically friendless. I opened the door and it was no surprise to find my mum standing there all grinning and smiling. Her driver was behind her with loads of shopping bags. She had gone to the market for me again without asking,
”Mum, I still have enough food at home”, I exclaimed which was actually the truth since I was the only one at home.
”There can never be too much food in the house darling, you need to have enough to feed that husband of yours when he comes home one of these days”.
”Mum, I told you he isn’t coming home for a while”, I said as I walked into the kitchen to arrange all the food items her driver had put on the floor. “Do you want me to make some food for you? I was actually on my way out”.
”Esther, you look like you have lost some weight.” She came over to my side and turned me to face her while looking into my eyes. Suddenly, she screamed. I jumped back not expecting the noise.
Then she started dancing and shaking her bum sideways the way it’s done in her village. I knew she had found out about the pregnancy. My mum had always been talented in spotting pregnancy in women. I waited for her to finish dancing and then she bombarded me with all the questions about my health.
”Mum, I am fine. I am eating right and yes I have registered in the hospital”, I just had to lie because I could not possibly tell her I was on my way to abort her first grandchild. I felt a pang of guilt at that but I quickly brushed it off.
”Esther, are you okay? Do you want to stay with us for a while till your husband gets back?”
”Mum, I am fine. I don’t even have any morning sickness palaver”. At least that part was true. I was not exhibiting any signs of sickness.
I was able to get my mum out of the house about 30minutes later and headed straight for the hospital. She gave me a full lecture on how to work, walk, eat, sleep and even talk. I got to the hospital 30 minutes late for my appointment and while I waited in room in which I was asked to undress. I decided to text King and get his reaction on the pregnancy. I was so sure he was going to start calling and begging me to keep the baby. I sent the text,
”I am going into the theatre now to do an abortion. I discovered your rape made me pregnant. There is no point having a baby right?”
Not up to two minutes later, I got a shocker reply,
”Suit yourself”.
”Mum, I told you he isn’t coming home for a while”, I said as I walked into the kitchen to arrange all the food items her driver had put on the floor. “Do you want me to make some food for you? I was actually on my way out”.
”Esther, you look like you have lost some weight.” She came over to my side and turned me to face her while looking into my eyes. Suddenly, she screamed. I jumped back not expecting the noise.
Then she started dancing and shaking her bum sideways the way it’s done in her village. I knew she had found out about the pregnancy. My mum had always been talented in spotting pregnancy in women. I waited for her to finish dancing and then she bombarded me with all the questions about my health.
”Mum, I am fine. I am eating right and yes I have registered in the hospital”, I just had to lie because I could not possibly tell her I was on my way to abort her first grandchild. I felt a pang of guilt at that but I quickly brushed it off.
”Esther, are you okay? Do you want to stay with us for a while till your husband gets back?”
”Mum, I am fine. I don’t even have any morning sickness palaver”. At least that part was true. I was not exhibiting any signs of sickness.
I was able to get my mum out of the house about 30minutes later and headed straight for the hospital. She gave me a full lecture on how to work, walk, eat, sleep and even talk. I got to the hospital 30 minutes late for my appointment and while I waited in room in which I was asked to undress. I decided to text King and get his reaction on the pregnancy. I was so sure he was going to start calling and begging me to keep the baby. I sent the text,
”I am going into the theatre now to do an abortion. I discovered your rape made me pregnant. There is no point having a baby right?”
Not up to two minutes later, I got a shocker reply,
”Suit yourself”.
