Mariam’s room
“I really don’t know what to tell you, besides my advice dosen’t count. Does it?” Mariam asked after listening to all i told her concerning Samuel and Emmanuel. She truly was right that her advice dosen’t count, but i still needed it notwithstanding.
“I really won’t involve myself in your affairs any longer, just follow your heart” she concluded.
___
Emmanuel really was the person my heart yearned for and following it could bring my troublesome spirit to rest, but how to make Samuel understand was another heavy burden which i truly didn’t know how to face.
It was very obvious he truly loved me, because he sacrificed alot for my happiness and even forgave me when i cheated on him. But my greatest fear was that his love could fade with time, perhaps when nature begins showing itself on me. The age difference between us wasn’t that much and i knew with time my physical appearance would change much more than his. Yea i knew it was a lame excuse but will he still love me when that happens? Can i risk waiting at least four more years for him to stand firm and be financially stable to cater for a family? What if he dosen’t get employed within that period? What if he later changes his mind about me, will i be able to make up for the lost time? Will i be able to fall in love again? Can i ever forgive myself?? No i can’t take such risk” i concluded thoughtfully.
“Campus love affairs are nothing but a fantasy life we create and plunge our youthful life in just for fun, Pride and experimentation. It mostly has no longevity”.
However, due to the great respect and commitment i felt for Samuel, i made up my mind to be with him till the end of his degree exams, because I knew i won’t be able to forgive myself if he lost concentration because of me.
But Samuel thinking all was settling for good between us began spoiling me with gifts once again. At first i declined accepting them, but he kept insisting until i finally caved in. We cooked, played and gisted like we used to.
6pm, Monday evening, two weeks later
I sat beside Emmanuel in his car, breathing quickly as i prepared myself to tell him my decision. Truly whatever agreement we were to reach that fateful evening will decide my fate and destiny. It equally was the last day he gave me to make up my mind.
“God alone knows our destiny”
___________________
“So how far?” he anxiously asked,
“I haven’t been able to decide anything” i murmured with a fast pounding heart.
“Common don’t tell me that. Have you forgotten i gave you only two weeks to decide, why are you behaving like this?” he curiously asked.
“Emmanuel, i’ll give you an answer at the end of this semester, please allow me to focus on my studies, i can’t be thinking of your proposal when i have exams to prepare” i poured out.
“I really don’t know the kind of game you are playing, seriously i don’t” he complained.
“So what’s so hard for you to wait an extra month for me to decide?” i asked.
“Because i don’t understand you and i fear i may end up killing my time for nothing” he replied.
“If you truly love me, you will be willing to take the risk” i spoke defiantly. He breathed deeply, grabbed my left hand and stared into my eyes.
“Tell me the truth, what’s happening please?” he pleaded. My lips quivered, while my bright eyes grew dim under his manly grasp.
“But for one thing, i would have said yes this instant, and gone with you to the very end of the world” i confessed.
“But what is it, Mary?” he asked, “what is it, my darling?
“I cannot leave him, Emmanuel– I cannot leave Samuel by this hour, he’s preparing for his degree exams please be considerate. Yes i’m with him, but it’s more of a friendship thing, but you don’t have to believe me” i explained. “It is the only atonement i can offer him, i owe Samuel this reparation for the evil i have done him and i must make it till he completes his degree exams, after which i will give you the answer you so much desire” i added.
He drew nearer and kissed my trembling lips “alright i understand” he murmured coldly.
“Speak to me Emmanuel, it’s hard, i know but tell me that i’m doing the right thing” i begged. He looked down and shook his head.
“You are cruelly doing the right thing” he murmured and switched on his car engine.
“I have to get going, i really can’t stand this anymore” he quietly added. I stared at him inquisitively but couldn’t say any word to him.
I quietly alighted from his car while he furiously drove away without even bothering to give me a goodbye smile.
It really was a very painful parting and i couldn’t help but wonder if he will ever return for me…
I cried in my room as i thought over Emmanuel’s behaviour.
“Have i lost him forever?” did i miscalculate by pushing my luck to the extreme? I wondered with tears.
_____
I however devoted my time in being by Samuel’s side as his degree exams slowly drew near, equally pushing my fears and sorrows to the back of my mind.
In no time i got used to my new way of living, hiding my fears with smiles, and taking life as i saw it. Samuel equally never gave me cause to worry, he never brought up any topic that would hurt my feelings nor even mentioned Emmanuel’s name. He truly was the ideal guy for any woman but he wasn’t destined for me. I felt nothing but commitment, compassion and little respect for him.
Finally the exams came and went with the speed of light. Samuel was finally a graduate. I really can’t forget the night he graduated, how happy and overjoyed he was thinking he can now focus on building his future together with me from thereon since he’s now a graduate, but he guessed wrong cos my mind was made up already…I just decided to hang around him till he’s done with his exam then officially quit the relationship and marry Emmanuel.
“Seriously Samuel i do appreciate your love, care and everything, but this night is going to be our last together, i have tried to develop more feelings for you but was unable to. Moreover i know your mum no longer likes me, so please tonight is our last.” I plainly poured out to a visibly surprised Samuel. He gasped, left the bed and slept on the rug without saying another word to me.
The next morning i left his room before he woke up.
Though what i did touched me, i was very glad i did it because i really couldn’t guarantee my happiness with him.
He however never did speak to me again.
He packed out of the hostel days later without bothering to notify me. I was a bit distressed because i really never wanted things to end that way between us and would have wanted for us to remain good friends.
Finally, I anxiously began waiting for Emmanuel who never showed up nor called on phone. I soon wrote my second semester exams and travelled home for christmas months later.
Three months i waited for Emmanuel, but not even a single phone call did i get from him. I lost hope, but for my pride i would have called him myself.
Perhaps he wasn’t in my destiny either.
-To be Continued-
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